The Crash

AP here:
The ER at CVRC is a busy place but it is the best place for Tonka when he is in distress. Most all of his specialists are there and everyone knows him. So when he had the multiple instances of diarrhea and was weak and dehydrated it was the place for him to get the best care.

We arrived around 5:00pm on Monday June 3rd and he would not be leaving till Tuesday June 4th at 7:00pm. They had taken him back and started him on IV's and his Aunt Gina came to sit with me and make sure he was OK. She also came to make me go get dinner with her since she knew that I would be spending the night there and would not eat otherwise. They put my boy in one of the nice large condos with lots of comfy bedding.

In the Condo

This is where I would also be spending part of my night and most of the next day. It was a little surreal being there again overnight as it was just a month earlier I had been there for 2 nights when he had his surgery.

Sleeping with Me

The next morning his care was transferred from the ER staff to the Internal Med./Oncology staff.
Diana who had helped me carry him in the night before was kind enough to bring me coffee and a muffin for breakfast when she came in to work. Since it was Tuesday morning it was also his usual therapy day so all his therapists were there and came by several times to pet him throughout the day as well as his Aunt Gina and his surgeon Dr. Roa.

I went back to sit with him whenever they would let me and I stayed cuddled in the condo with him for a good part of the 20 some hours we were there. At lunch his therapist Chris went out and got me a sandwich and sat with him while I went out front to eat it. Everyone was super about taking care of him and me and giving him lots of love. It is both a blessing and a curse that he is so well known there by everyone. We are fortunate that we have the resources locally for the kind of support and medical attention he needs.


In the afternoon his oncologist Dr. Peterson talked to me about his blood work which was pretty normal and wanted to do an ultrasound to see if they could come up with anything else that could have caused this. Since the last chemo dose had been Friday and he tanked early Monday the theory was it was not the meds that had upset him. The chemo meds are supposed to clear the body within 48 hours.  I agreed to the ultrasound and when it was done it also looked normal the only thing was a little thickening of the intestinal wall in a spot but after consulting with Dr. Roa it was agreed that was from he surgery. Tonka may be a big boy but he is a very sensitive guy when it comes to meds and this had not gone well. Part of the medicine protocol was Metoclopramide which helps move food through the system. I had given Tonka his heartworm meds Sunday morning which consists of two squares that look like treats (heart guard) and the smaller one had passed through completely intact. I think perhaps the medicine worked a little too well.....

It was now past 24 hours of being on fluids non stop and both of us were ready to go. They wanted to keep him overnight again but I said no and promised to keep him hydrated. Now that he was no longer in distress the best place for him was home.

Going Home

I had wrapped up his tail with an ace bandage after his third bout of diarrhea as I was out of vet wrap and Caitlin had bought some with her and re wrapped it for me. Once home I kept his tail wrapped for a few more days just in case.

Home

He could not seem to get comfortable and would puff his cheeks out and sigh as well as twitching and jerking a bit. He was still hating to lie down on his left side and his breathing was not getting any better. I was hesitant to put him back on his meds for his allergy/sinus problem so I waited a few days to make sure he was OK and eating well. I kept him on Flagyl for the diarrhea for next seven days. On that seventh day we went to see Dr. Philips for acupuncture, we had tried it before for his lameness but now I wanted to see if it would stimulate his appetite and perhaps make him relax. I showed Dr. Phillips how he had an issue laying on his one side and how he was jumpy around his ribcage. She agreed that something was definitely off and that he was not his normal happy self. We discussed maybe having a full MRI done to figure out
1. does he have a tumor in his nose and it is not allergies or sinus 
2. is something broken and making him uncomfortable
That night he had a full blown seizure. It had been two years since he had one and it caught me off guard. It was 11:30 at night and I called the ER and spoke to one of the Dr.s that had seen him the week before. We agreed that since it was only one and under 5 minutes long we would wait to see if he had another one before rushing him in. Running down his list of meds the only one that could have possibly been a cause was the Flagyl. He was postictal for about 20 minutes and during that phase he knows nothing not even his name. He kept trying to stand and walk which completely broke my heart. I had to keep repositioning him to stay down and he was flailing frantically.  When he did come back to being fully himself he was very hungry and thirsty. I had been sleeping on the floor with him for only 1/2 of the night but after the seizure I went back to sleeping with him all night.

He was very jumpy and snoring a lot and then one night I could not wake him up. His face was contorted in a horrible grimace and his breathing was very labored. He stayed like that for almost an hour and then sat up like nothing had happened. I got him some water and he then laid down and slept normally the rest of the night.

This became a nightly occurrence so I took a video and sent it to someone who could maybe tell me what this was. The answer came back perhaps a different form of seizure. Every vet I talked to about this felt that perhaps his breathing and strange activity was being caused by a tumor in his nose that was now pressing up into the brain. It was time to decide a course of action

The Chemotherapy Whirlwind

AP here and it has been exactly one month since we started down the road of chemo. It has been a crazy time and one that has kept me busy trying to figure out the best recourse for my boy. It has also been very stressful and I felt the need to shut everything down while we were trying to get back to some sense of normalcy. A lot has happened and not all of is related to the cancer. I am going to try to catch the blog up with the events of the last month with the next several posts so please bear with me.

Palladia the chemo drug recommended for Tonka - nice enough sounding drug, the name kind of rolls off the tongue, sounds sorta harmless, like a vacation spot or something. As with all new things and my boy I did my research and joined a few canine cancer groups online and started asking for any feedback from those that had used it. I came up with a mixed bag or reactions, some people loved it, others hated it and due to some rare side effects feel it ended their dogs time early. I was still battling with Tonka's inability to breathe very well and the various medication he was on for that so I was not sure if I wanted to jump in right away. I decided to wait a week and try to get his allergies under control and get him off some of the meds before beginning. Everyone was OK with that and so we went back to our normal routine of therapy and underwater treadmill for the week.

Lately he had been not wanting to lie down on his left hip and seemed to be having a hard time rolling up on his side without help so I was hopeful that he just had rib out again and therapy would help. He did seem better after his therapy session and so we kept up our routine and had a treadmill session a few days later.

He did really well in the treadmill and I know he enjoys it because he can actually run and move his legs like nothing is wrong. It was nice to get back to our routine and everything seemed to be getting back on track except his sense of smell. He was still so congested that I wanted to postpone chemo one more week but was advised that I needed to start immediately as the tumors were an aggressive type. The weekend came and went and his sense of smell was no better but it was now Chemo week so the Tuesday morning of May 28th we headed to therapy with an oncology appointment right afterwards.


Therapy did not seem to help much and he was still in pain while we were waiting in the lobby. Dr. Roa came through and he did a quick check of him but couldn't find anything. Then Dr. Klaser arrived for his chemo consult and we discussed that he seemed to be in pain lately and she suggested an ultrasound of his belly as well as the blood work he was already there for. We hung out for awhile till they were ready for him and all his friends came by to say hi and to give him attention. When they took him back for his blood work and to check his abdomen I sat in the lobby and semi successfully tried to keep it together.Dr. Klaser returned after his exam and we talked about the fact that he is just not himself and seems in pain. She did not see anything on the ultrasound and his blood work was fine so the only thing left was to pick up the chemo meds that afternoon and start them the next day.

I took him home and made him comfortable and put some ice packs on his neck and ribs and he was soon fast asleep. That afternoon I drove back to CVRC and picked up his meds and received the instructions on what to give him and when. The biggest 2 things to look for were diarrhea and vomiting and anything more than once was a red flag.I drove home with his little blue bag of pills and a lump in my throat.

The thing about chemo meds is that the medication can be present in the urine, feces and saliva so anyone handling those things should wear gloves. Since Tonka is incontinent and has to be expressed manually that meant that Caitlin and I had to wear gloves and dispose of his pee pads and poop bags in sealed plastic baggies. I put boxes of gloves in strategic locations and covered the carpet with contractors sticky back plastic to make sure if there were any accidents the mess would be minimized.


Of course the next morning (the first day of chemo) Tonka decided to not eat anything for breakfast.When I say anything I mean anything - nothing would entice him not even his favorite treat. I ended up scrambling a couple of eggs and he did eat some of that but I was not happy giving him all that medicine on a partially full stomach.

the list of meds...
4 pepcid AC's twice a day - before meals
Metocloprimide - 3 a day
Palladia -90Mg on Mon/Wed/Fri

At this point he was already on Hydroxyzine and Amoxicllian for his stuffy nose and his daily thyroid med. If you follow the blog you know he is a sensitive moose when it comes to medications so I was worried that this was all too much. He was doing really well and other than not wanting to eat much everything seemed normal. Then I went and jinxed us by saying that out loud to a few people. The rapid descent started on June 3rd at 12:30am when I heard him whining. Tonka has never whined a day in his life. Barked yes but whined-no. The poor guy had pooped all over his bedding and in trying to get away from it he had literally dragged his back end through it. I cleaned him up enough to stand him up and he immediately pulled me towards the shower. The only thing Tonka hates more than  water is being dirty. I got him into the shower and cleaned up the best I could with no rubber mats on the bottom to keep him from slipping. Usually I have time to setup the shower to bathe him with mats and his shampoo and towels close by. I got him out and had to lay him on the floor to go get towels and pick up his soiled bedding, he was not happy about that but I had no choice. I got down clean bedding  and towels and then lifted him and maneuvered him back onto them. the instant I started to lower him he had another episode of diarrhea It was now 1:20am I managed to get a pee pad under his hind end and lay him down on the plastic covered carpet while I picked up the bedding and put down clean stuff once again. I knew neither of us had the strength for the shower again so I put a towel over the pee pad and got a bucket of warm soapy water and a washcloth and set about cleaning him up. Once that was done I moved him back to his bedding and put a fresh pee pad under him and used the blow dryer to get him semi dry. He went again at 3:00am and at 4:15 and each time I repeated the clean up process. I emailed the oncology group as this was a chemo med day and I wanted them to know what was happening. His Dr. responded at 5:00 to withhold the chemo for the day and they would call me a little later.

Dr. Peterson called at 8:00 and I started him on metronidazole with instructions to not give him his Palladia and to see if he improved. We were good until 10:30 when the poor boy went yet again. It was my belief that there could not be anything left in him and I had to go to work for a few hours so I headed out. It wasn't long until that theory was proven wrong when my mom stopped in at 12:30 to check on him he went again but this time he also vomited. By the time Caitlin came for the day he was in bad shape. She sent me a text that his gums were tacky and he would not open his eyes for her so I rushed home. We put him in his stroller minus the wheels and handle and loaded him in the truck. I called the ER and told them we were coming in. His therapist Diana from CVSS met me at the truck and helped me carry him in. The next time I saw him they had drawn blood to test and had him on IV fluids.

Not a good start to our Chemotherapy experience...
.

Tumors and Things...

AP here:
It has been one month since Tonka's surgery and I have been fighting my own private war with the results of what they found. I want to thank Liam and Ollie's moms for stepping in and posting such awesome and heartfelt posts in my absence. Tonka and I truly have amazing friends!

On May 1st 2013 Tonka underwent exploratory surgery to remove what we thought was one small tumor off of his small intestine and to make sure there were no others. There were actually 3 one up top at the section known as the duodenum, one in the middle section called the jejunum and one at the end which is known as the ileum. The surgery went well and he recovered very nicely. In true Tonka style he already acts like it never happened and is back to his normal routines.

The tumors were sent to Colorado State University to pathology to determine what type they were. It took a week to get the report back and unfortunately the news was not good. All 3 were the same kind and all three were cancerous. I made an appointment with Dr. Peterson at AVIM and Oncology for the soonest available which was one more week out. In the meantime I took the pathology report and started doing research.

I did not like what I found.

During this week of waiting I kept things sort of quiet and tried to keep positive but in my heart I knew this was not going to be good.

On Thursday May 16th Tonka and I entered CVRC like we normally would and all his friends from the different specialties stopped to say hello to him in the lobby and feed him treats. He got a check-up from Dr. Roa who said he was looking great and I ran into Dr. Rosenthal (Tonka's heart Doctor) and we had a quick chat about the surgery and the findings. As usual everyone was great and his Aunt Gina was right there with us for moral support.

Love the Peeps

We met with Dr. Peterson and she started by explaining how the visit was going to progress and then set about asking questions on his medical history. She then examined him and once that was done she sat down and went over the pathology report with me. It was exactly what I feared. I wont go into all the little details as the only things that really matter is that they were "undifferentiated sarcomas" and "stage 3".  The bottom line is that with chemo we might get a year. We discussed the options available taking into account my boy's sensitivity to medications and how exactly we would work his visits in with his therapy days. The biggest point we covered was quality of life for Tonka and having him happy and able to live out his days normally (well Tonka normal). I am not real sure how much I actually retained from the appointment because even though I tried to keep it together inside I was breaking. I am sure that is why they give their patients a very comprehensive packet to take home that recaps everything they went over.

We left the room and immediately went out the door, part of me felt bad not saying goodbye to all his friends but I also needed to get outside and breathe. I have a hard rule about not being upset around Tonka and I came very close to breaking that rule once in the truck. The ride home was very long and surreal for me but for Tonka it was just another ride home in the truck from a morning of hanging out with people and getting some love and attention. That is the beautiful thing about the Tonka Man - everyday is a good day no matter what is going on as long as he has some love and some cookies. Nothing to get worried or upset about - its all good in his world, I really wish I could be more like him.

The chemo option I am choosing is a drug called Palladia and is given in pill form. It can be stopped pretty much immediately and side effects are mostly gastrointestinal. If this does not agree with him we will stop and continue on for how ever long we have.The goal here is the same one it has always been and that is for Tonka to have a happy and normal life like any other dog.

My heart is completely torn. I am so, so sad and so damn angry that I cannot fix him. He is my heart and I have done everything I possibly could to protect him and keep him healthy and happy but I am helpless with this. It is so unfair and so devastating that it has been impossible for me to talk about this except with a few people.

T and I started this blog to educate people on life with a blind dog and we hope that it has helped people see that dogs with disabilities can have a happy normal life. I am going to try to keep up with the blog and share our experience with the chemo in hopes that we can help others that are going through this. I can't guarantee that I will always find the time or the words to write as often as I should.

I do have 2 requests at this time.
#1 Do not be sad around Tonka - he will get upset if you are upset
#2 (and please don't take this the wrong way)
Do not talk to me about it unless I specifically bring it up - I am trying very hard to live by request #1 and believe me if you think its hard for you to not be upset it is a million times harder for me.

Meet Tonka's supporting cast: Ollie Lollie

Hi everyone -- this week I am guest blogging.  My name is Oliver (Ollie Lollie).  I am a 3 year old RESCUED newfoundland.  I have had the utmost pleasure and honor of personally knowing Tonka and Alice.  First, I wanted to tell you a little about me.

I was rescued two years ago.  I was just over a year old and only 90 pounds and had developed and staph infection ALL OVER MY BODY.  I was dropped off on newfie rescue's doorstep.  I was extremely lucky to find my forever home within 48 hours.  My mom and dad both work in the vet business and were able to nurse me back to health.  I am now a HEALTHY 150 pound newfie who enjoys my two lab brothers and have learned to kiss and hug.

Tonka and I have met on several occasions and  traveling together at our events -- we get a lot of compliments! So many people think we are the same breed -- just different colors. I do love him and he has taught me, my mom and so many other people that just because you are dealt a bad hand it does not need to control your life.

As Tonka and Alice begin another journey down an uncertain road, I implore you to keep positive thoughts, send hugs and please just support both of them.  My mom and I have never met  a more dedicated mom --- EVER!.  BOTH OF THEM are going through a tough battle and while most people have an opinion on what should, could or would be done, you never know until your baby is put in that position.

See just like me and my mom, Tonka is Alice's heart and soul.  She has taken an already amazing dog and nurtured, loved, supported and has redefined the role of caregiver.  But with that -- Alice is hurting beyond words and needs us to support her in her decision and course of treatment for Tonka. 

Tonka and Alice have taught me that no matter what life throws your way, you don't need to to define  your life.  Tonka is proof positive of that as well as my self.

So, take a moment, step back and ask if this was your heart and soul - -what would you do?  I am pretty sure you would do exactly what Alice has done ... everything in her power to make Tonka happy.

The Mayor and his Momma

Liam’s Mom here. 

I’m guest-posting today to bring you some news and to share with you how Tonka changed my life.

  

The news is devastating and heartbreaking and completely, utterly unfair.  Tonka has been diagnosed with cancer and AP is working to find a way through this last leg of their journey together.  Her heart is broken but she’s strong and resilient, so I have faith she’ll be back soon. 

In 2010, my husband and I lost our big lummox, Jake, to old age and bad hips.  It’s our tradition to rescue a dog in remembrance of one we’ve lost, so once we regained our balance (eg. I stopped blubbering at the sight of Jake’s dish) my husband and I began checking PetFinder for another big boy to love. 

Around the same time, the Appalachian Great Pyrenees Rescue listed a pup named Liam.  Like Tonka, Liam was born blind.  Can I tell you how intimidated we were by a big, blind, super-smart guardian dog?  We were beyond daunted.  Liam’s foster suggested we read Tonka’s blog to learn about life with a blind Pyr.  After a lot of reading and some long talks with AP, my husband and I decided that we should meet Liam.  We were also excited to meet Tonka.  He’s a famous blogger, you know.

We met Liam at an adoption event and it was love at first sight.  AP taught us everything we needed to know about the big, blind, super-smart guardian dog and she’s been there for us every step of the way.  Thank you, Tonka and AP, for everything you’ve done to make Liam the amazing boy he is today.  He’s a best-friend and super-snuggler who throws a hucklebutt party every evening when we get home. 

 

Liam

AP said recently that Tonka is the Mayor of their neighborhood.  He truly is a goodwill ambassador who has touched the lives of dogs and people alike.  He lives LARGE, that dog.  In the coming days, I hope more of Tonka’s peeps will share their stories that celebrate the life of The Mayor and bring comfort to his Momma.

Liam and Tonka 2 blind boys checking out the scenery

Surgery and Recovery

AP here:
First I apologize about not posting sooner but the past week has been a little stressful and anything but routine. Wednesday May 1st was Tonka's surgery date and we arrived at 7:15am to check in. Instead of taking him in the back and making him wait in a kennel they allowed him to stay in the lobby with me on a blanket. Of course this was perfect for him as people coming to work or coming to see the Doctor's got to stop and fuss over him.

Hanging in the Lobby

Diana came and got him to go back to see the cardiologist and made sure that everything was set for him for the day. Since Tonka has had heart surgery he had to go back and have the cardiologist listen to his heart to make sure everything sounded good and give the thumbs up for anesthesia.  She came back with him and everything was a green light for surgery later in the day.  He had go back again a little later to have his legs shaved and prepped for the IV's. In true Tonka style he decided to have a nosebleed while they were getting him ready - he can never make anything simple. They wheeled him back out to me with a towel to help stop and wipe the blood away from his nose and at that point he decided to take a nap.

Ready for Surgery

I had to wake him around noon to take him back for surgery so we wheeled to the prep room and I kissed him on the nose and told him I would see him soon. I also said out-loud to no one in particular "please don't let anything happen to him".
It was a very long surgery and was nerve wracking as the hours ticked away. Thank goodness for his Aunt Gina who kept giving me updates and the friends who stopped by to help try to keep my mind occupied on other things.

It was very late in the afternoon when I got to talk to the surgeon Dr. Roa and found out that he had discovered 3 tumors instead of the 1 they knew about. Two of them were in places that were tricky to remove and so he had to scoop them out and then hand sew which took a lot of time.

We are very fortunate to have the support of a lot of people and I cannot thank them all enough for looking out for us. Brittany and Gina made sure I had lunch and coffee while I was camped out and Chris showed up Wednesday night with a homemade dinner and dessert that was delicious.  I spent the night in the truck just in case something happened overnight as I did not want to be too far away. Becky was his vet tech for the first 2 nights and was very patient with me calling several times to check on him. All of the staffs were so helpful and always positive and Shannon was always there for me late in the day to chat and see if I needed anything.

Thursday morning my wonderful friends Eileen and Patty dropped off orange juice, muffins, bananas and chips to make sure I had breakfast and some snack food. Around 8:45 Dr. Roa came to the lobby and took me back to see my very drugged boy. He was so stoned on pain meds it took him a few minutes to catch on that I was there.

Hey Mom!

 

I got to sit with him for a little while and sing him his favorite songs till he fell back asleep. 

Out

 On the way back to the lobby I asked the Dr. when I could come back and see him again and he said to try around 3:00. I spent the morning in the lobby with a very sweet Doberman (Riley) that was there for the day for a chemo appointment. At 3:00 I went up to the desk and asked if they could call to the back and see if I could see him. They buzzed back and told me to wait just a minute someone would be up. I was standing there waiting when Dr. Roa himself came up with Tonka in his wheels and said lets go for a walk. I was so surprised - it was amazing - he was happy as could be wheeling through the lobby and out the door. We walked him to the back of the building and into a grassy area so he could get some fresh air. I was just in awe - here was my boy that just underwent this extensive surgery the day before up and smiling.

The Amazing Dr. Roa

Happy, Happy Boy

His Aunt Gina came out back and gave him some hugs which made him even happier. Dr. Roa and I took him back in and to his comfy spot in the recovery area and I sat with him for a bit while they hooked him up to his IV's. It wasn't long till he was fast asleep with his head on a big pillow.

Good Night

I resumed my position in the lobby feeling very relieved that he was doing so well. I was told I could see him again at 7:00 so I settled in to wait.

At 7:00 when I went back he was sound asleep so I kissed him good night and returned to the lobby.

Friday morning I got to go back really early and cuddle up with him for awhile.

Hugging the pillow

Later he was definately more alert.

But not for long....

Friday afternoon he was more like his own self as they were weaning him off of the big pain meds so that he could come home on Saturday

Happy Man

Friday night I waited for Dr, Roa to get finished surgery so I could ask him about Tonka coming home on Saturday morning. CVRC houses 6 practices in one building and one of those is the ER it became very apparent how much like a human ER it is on a Friday night with how busy it got. I got to meet with Dr. Roa and unfortunately Tonka had vomited and that is something to be very careful with after abdominal surgery so there was a chance I would not get to take him home like I had planned. I went back to say goodnight and tell him no more getting sick. Of course being Tonka he just laughed at me.

OK Mom

Trying to stay optimistic I drove home anyway and outfitted the truck with the bike hitch so that we could use Tonka's big stroller to get him home. Instead of lifting him into the truck I thought it would be easier on everyone to put him in the stroller and lift it in and out. I got everything loaded up and slept for a few hours before heading back.

Saturday morning I was there early and they let me go back and cuddle up with him and he and I fell fast asleep. Dr. Roa actually woke us up when he came by to check on him. 

He told me that we would see how he did throughout the morning and he would let me know by 9:30 if I could take him home. I took up my seat in the lobby and did some work on my laptop and sure enough around 9:00 I was told he was going home. I signed all of his discharge papers and they went over his post op instructions with me and gave me his medications.  I went out to the truck and put the stroller together and wheeled it in to get ready for him. Dr. Roa came out a little while later with Tonka in tow. He then helped me get him from the wheels to the stroller and we lifted the stroller in the truck. Dr. Roa gave me some last minute instructions, answered some of my questions and after I gave him a huge hug Tonka and I headed home.

Loaded in the Truck

Snoozing on the way home

Once home we wheeled around back and parked the boy on one of his favorite blankets to snooze away the afternoon.

Home

I really cannot thank everyone enough for the help and support through this. I am truly grateful!

Reality, Hope, Strength and the Mayor

AP here:
Wednesday May 1st is Tonka's surgery. His allergies have been bothering him and so his breathing has been very congested when he is sleeping. With surgery so close I took him to see one of his Doctors just to make sure we were not going to have any issues. His lungs are still clear and it all seems to be just nasal at this point and rather than put him on an antibiotic and upset his stomach we are just keeping an eye on him. I discussed his upcoming surgery with the Doctor who I like and respect very much and he was already familiar with some of the details. I have been holding up pretty well about all of this, but when we talked about the possibility of finding that it definitely is cancer and there is nothing that can be done I did have to catch myself. I have already heard that once but it was the phrase "there are worse things than dying" that hit me hard. The reality of the possibility sort of struck home at that point.
I am not going into this blind but rather with all the hope and emotional strength I can muster. Since this is starting as exploratory surgery there are several scenarios all with options that lay before us. Unfortunately there is no way to be 100% sure about any of them until they see what this mass actually is and what it has attached to. Once the surgeon knows what we are dealing with then we choose what to do. The control freak in me is not doing well with that as I like to know, plan and be prepared but I absolutely cannot prepare for the possibility that he will not come home again - I just can't. The comment "the odds are not in our favor" also stopped my heart for a few beats but if you follow this blog you know we beat odds all the time. Tonka is the master of beating odds and making his own rules about all things medical. I am trying to push all the bad thoughts aside and hoping and praying for the best possible scenario of just a strange little mass that comes out easy and he has a quick and full recovery. Tonka is my heart, he is a once in a lifetime sort of dog and I have learned so much from him and I am sure there will be a lesson for us in this little detour of our journey.
 

We went for a roll the other morning and there were 4 or 5 crews of workers replacing gas lines to house up and down our street. There is a small group that jokingly calls Tonka the Mayor of our city as he is so well known and stops to visit everyone we encounter wherever we go. I actually had a van stop one time, people got out, swarmed around him, called him by name, petted him and then piled back in and drove off and I still have no clue who they were. So as the mayor was rolling down the street the crews were stopping and coming to pet him, take pictures and ask questions. He was so happy to have so many people to "see"and was literally prancing in his wheels. He was really thrilled to meet Mr. Jerry who got down to his level and talked to him and gave him a lots of attention. It's really what makes him happy - to get out and about in the world and see to his constituents (whether they be adults, kids or animals) - my boy the Mayor.......

Stopping to shake paws with his peeps.

Things Happen That Knock You Down.... (but you get up and press on)

AP here:

If you are a DOD or military "brat" and I use the term with great affection you probably grew up traveling a lot and you learned that people and things are transitory. You also learned that we are all in this together and to treat each other with kindness and respect for the time that you have with one another. People and things will come and go in your life and all you ever really have are memories. It is because of this that I always strive to always make good memories, make people smile and laugh and try to not take anyone for granted. While being put in new environments and schools you also were forced to learn to be independent, self reliant and to not fear new situations.  These are all good traits and have helped me navigate my way in this crazy world especially when times get tough and you are left to stand on your own.
       There are 2 quotes from Lewis Carroll that I have always liked.

1. “I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then”

2. “You used to be much more..."muchier." You've lost your muchness.”

The first is a true statement we do change a bit with time and circumstance but fundamentally we are always the same at the core. There are times we lose ourselves for a bit we get sick, or knocked down by misfortune, sadness or loss and we lose our "muchness". This happened to me recently and I forgot ME for a little while. I lost my "muchness" that solid belief in myself that has always driven me forward (mistake #1). I had let circumstances overwhelm me and started second guessing myself and struggled to make decisions.
     Last week I had surgery and was not to lift Tonka for 7-10 days. Unfortunately I forgot that self reliant thing and asked for help (something I never do - so mistake #2) and mid-week the help bailed on me and I ended up having to lift him on my own. So now where the stitches were I have crazy glue and steri-strips holding the hole together (very annoying but my own fault). While I have been sick Tonka has also had some up and down issues with heavy panting as if in pain and low blood sugar and bloody urine. All of this knocked me off track a bit and I stopped paying attention to myself and the signs around me (mistake #3). I am a big believer in things happening for a reason and people coming in and even out of your life for a purpose. Sometimes you just have to look at the big picture to see how it all fits and sometimes you just need to get quiet and let the reason come to you.
      See all of these things happened for a reason - the heavy panting and weird urinary behavior in February made us have an ultrasound which turned up a small mass. We did not think anything of it since it did not correlate with his symptoms. The low blood sugar and blood in the urine two weeks ago forced yet another ultrasound which showed that the mass has grown and now alarm bells started sounding. A biopsy was inconclusive (of course because its Tonka) but I consulted with the internal medicine doctor, his cardiologist and his primary care doctor and all had the same response- whatever it is it should come out. I hesitated at the thought of surgery because my boy has been through so much and because I was letting people tell me that I was weak and this recovery would be too much for us. I floundered for a few days with all of this news and about that time I realized that people bailing on me also happened for a reason. It jolted me back into ME and me needed answers and a plan so I made a consult with a surgeon. Really liked the doctor, he laid it all out went over the options and the pros and cons of both. He had obviously done his homework with Tonka's past history and while discussing options and scenarios wanted my input on what works for my boy and what doesn't. That meant a great deal to me as some doctors tend to not listen much to the person who actually knows the most about the dog.

      The bottom line is I have two options the first being do nothing and most likely have an emergency situation down the road which will force me to do something in haste.Option 2 have exploratory surgery now get that thing out of there and figure out what it really is. If it is cancer and they get it all that will be awesome if its cancer and it has spread then we know what we are dealing with. If its some strange little benign mass then we still win because it cant keep growing and screw something else up.
      Now that I am back to being ME I only know one course of action and that is forward. This crap has to come out of my boy and he and I will deal with his surgery and recovery no matter what it takes. Those that are with me great.  I love you and will always be there for you when you need me. Those that are against me can stick it. I don't need your permission and I don't need your help you can move along and go have a nice life.

Tonka and I have dealt with everything that has been thrown at us and together we will continue to do so.
Oh and Nancy - FISH ;-)