Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Things Happen That Knock You Down.... (but you get up and press on)

AP here:

If you are a DOD or military "brat" and I use the term with great affection you probably grew up traveling a lot and you learned that people and things are transitory. You also learned that we are all in this together and to treat each other with kindness and respect for the time that you have with one another. People and things will come and go in your life and all you ever really have are memories. It is because of this that I always strive to always make good memories, make people smile and laugh and try to not take anyone for granted. While being put in new environments and schools you also were forced to learn to be independent, self reliant and to not fear new situations.  These are all good traits and have helped me navigate my way in this crazy world especially when times get tough and you are left to stand on your own.
       There are 2 quotes from Lewis Carroll that I have always liked.

1. “I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then”

2. “You used to be much more..."muchier." You've lost your muchness.”

The first is a true statement we do change a bit with time and circumstance but fundamentally we are always the same at the core. There are times we lose ourselves for a bit we get sick, or knocked down by misfortune, sadness or loss and we lose our "muchness". This happened to me recently and I forgot ME for a little while. I lost my "muchness" that solid belief in myself that has always driven me forward (mistake #1). I had let circumstances overwhelm me and started second guessing myself and struggled to make decisions.
     Last week I had surgery and was not to lift Tonka for 7-10 days. Unfortunately I forgot that self reliant thing and asked for help (something I never do - so mistake #2) and mid-week the help bailed on me and I ended up having to lift him on my own. So now where the stitches were I have crazy glue and steri-strips holding the hole together (very annoying but my own fault). While I have been sick Tonka has also had some up and down issues with heavy panting as if in pain and low blood sugar and bloody urine. All of this knocked me off track a bit and I stopped paying attention to myself and the signs around me (mistake #3). I am a big believer in things happening for a reason and people coming in and even out of your life for a purpose. Sometimes you just have to look at the big picture to see how it all fits and sometimes you just need to get quiet and let the reason come to you.
      See all of these things happened for a reason - the heavy panting and weird urinary behavior in February made us have an ultrasound which turned up a small mass. We did not think anything of it since it did not correlate with his symptoms. The low blood sugar and blood in the urine two weeks ago forced yet another ultrasound which showed that the mass has grown and now alarm bells started sounding. A biopsy was inconclusive (of course because its Tonka) but I consulted with the internal medicine doctor, his cardiologist and his primary care doctor and all had the same response- whatever it is it should come out. I hesitated at the thought of surgery because my boy has been through so much and because I was letting people tell me that I was weak and this recovery would be too much for us. I floundered for a few days with all of this news and about that time I realized that people bailing on me also happened for a reason. It jolted me back into ME and me needed answers and a plan so I made a consult with a surgeon. Really liked the doctor, he laid it all out went over the options and the pros and cons of both. He had obviously done his homework with Tonka's past history and while discussing options and scenarios wanted my input on what works for my boy and what doesn't. That meant a great deal to me as some doctors tend to not listen much to the person who actually knows the most about the dog.
      The bottom line is I have two options the first being do nothing and most likely have an emergency situation down the road which will force me to do something in haste.Option 2 have exploratory surgery now get that thing out of there and figure out what it really is. If it is cancer and they get it all that will be awesome if its cancer and it has spread then we know what we are dealing with. If its some strange little benign mass then we still win because it cant keep growing and screw something else up.
      Now that I am back to being ME I only know one course of action and that is forward. This crap has to come out of my boy and he and I will deal with his surgery and recovery no matter what it takes. Those that are with me great.  I love you and will always be there for you when you need me. Those that are against me can stick it. I don't need your permission and I don't need your help you can move along and go have a nice life.

Tonka and I have dealt with everything that has been thrown at us and together we will continue to do so.
Oh and Nancy - FISH ;-)


N, A, & Zoo Crew said...

Zoo Crew sends love.

Tina said...

Liam and Team Hamilton also send love and healing thoughts to you both. Your strength, dedication and resiliance are inspiring, AP.

Helen and Raja said...

Raja and I love your resolve and Tonka is a very lucky puppy!


Helen and Raja