Monday, May 23, 2016

Time and Still Chasing Ghosts

I still hear him you know....
Usually around 3:30am I wake up and hear him downstairs stirring. He is waiting for me to come and express his bladder and wheelbarrow him with my arms outside to the porch and place him on the big foam bed. He on one side and I on the other, meeting in the middle. Snuggled together drifting back to sleep while I listen to his breathing and feel his heart beating against me. Back to sleep in the screened in porch in the cool night air until the sun rising and the singing of the birds wakes us again.

I still see him from time to time when I look in the rearview mirror. He loved to ride in the truck and stayed close up to the front seats so I could reach back and pet him or give him a cookie. I look back and sometimes catch his big head grinning at me.

I miss him. Time does not heal all wounds and it does not lessen my memories of him.

Three years ago in May he had surgery and was diagnosed with cancer. Chemo tanked him and the cancer tumors that we removed turned out to not be what took him from me. It was that damn tumor in the nose that no one would listen to me about when I said his breathing was off. That evil tumor that was sitting there growing and stealing time away from my son. So no time does not help me and May and June are dark months as they were the beginning of the end.

I should have, I would have, I didn't....
I didn't scream and push and fight for someone to take it serious and quit blowing me off with the "bad allergies" BS. I didn't demand a scope or an MRI until it was too late.

....and that I will have to live with till the end of time.


liparifam said...

Was just thinking about you, and decided to visit the blog to check for updates. I'm so sorry that you still feel that level of guilt - yet I empathise :( You did right by Tonka, and I hope you are enjoying your new pup :)

Jacqueline said...

I see this post is from last year but I just now found it. I was hanging on every word as I had a similar experience with my beloved KaTy. She was a lab/Pyrenees mix but most of all she was my world. She saved me from crushing loneliness. She was SO much more than my dog. She succumbed to lymphoma three years ago. We got a pup about a year ago and I blog about her. She is fantastic but they are all very individual and not one can fill another's paw prints on our hearts. Take care. Jackie

Anonymous said...

You did everything you could please don't blame yourself. Hope you understand Tonka wants you to be at peace.