Time and Still Chasing Ghosts

I still hear him you know....
Usually around 3:30am I wake up and hear him downstairs stirring. He is waiting for me to come and express his bladder and wheelbarrow him with my arms outside to the porch and place him on the big foam bed. He on one side and I on the other, meeting in the middle. Snuggled together drifting back to sleep while I listen to his breathing and feel his heart beating against me. Back to sleep in the screened in porch in the cool night air until the sun rising and the singing of the birds wakes us again.

I still see him from time to time when I look in the rearview mirror. He loved to ride in the truck and stayed close up to the front seats so I could reach back and pet him or give him a cookie. I look back and sometimes catch his big head grinning at me.

I miss him. Time does not heal all wounds and it does not lessen my memories of him.

Three years ago in May he had surgery and was diagnosed with cancer. Chemo tanked him and the cancer tumors that we removed turned out to not be what took him from me. It was that damn tumor in the nose that no one would listen to me about when I said his breathing was off. That evil tumor that was sitting there growing and stealing time away from my son. So no time does not help me and May and June are dark months as they were the beginning of the end.

I should have, I would have, I didn't....
I didn't scream and push and fight for someone to take it serious and quit blowing me off with the "bad allergies" BS. I didn't demand a scope or an MRI until it was too late.

....and that I will have to live with till the end of time.

Time is not on our side....

AP here:
Almost every morning I sit on the porch and watch the sun rise. It is Tonka's favorite place to be, lying on his two big comfy beds pushed together and sniffing the breezes and "listening to the sounds of the day starting up. I drink a cup, or three of coffee and talk to him and he eventually settles and goes back to sleep for a bit. It is our quiet time together. There was even a time when nights were cooler he and I would sleep out there (the beds are big enough for two). He is a great snuggler and an great hugger, he likes to hold you or touch you with his paw.
The thing with knowing that we are on limited time is that it makes these routine moments become bittersweet. Everything becomes a "is this the last time" in your head and knocks the breath out of you for a moment. I try to not get upset around him and keep everything fun and exciting with my tone but I wonder if he hears the catch in my throat sometimes. Ordinary routine things become decisions based on guessing how much time is left, how much food to buy, should I really order a 100 count box of pee pads? You are probably thinking just do the normal and don't think that way but believe me you cant help it, you don't want to but logically its how your brain processes it or at least mine does. I can tell it to shut up but it doesn't work, trust me I tell it to shut up about a lot of things daily.
I am a big believer in the fact that memories are  all we really own in this world. I find that I am having a conversation with myself  everyday to remember everything about him - to never forget. His smell, the way his fur feels, the way his head looks bigger when he is just slightly wet from the rain or after a bath, the way his eyebrows dance up and down when he is thinking... a million little nuances that are the Tonka dog these are things I need to keep and hold tight.

It's hard to imagine a day without him in it. How can I go a day without his goofy grin, his giant paw grabbing me to keep petting or playing with him, his eyes that even blind always hold so much expression. As I have said before he is my heart and I will be lost without him. So I go about our day and try to take as many pictures as possible and post them on social media keeping it light but there are moments that are anything but. I scream a lot in the truck on the way to and from work about how unfair this is but it doesn't change anything. I sleep with him and listen mostly, not really sleeping for some sound or sign to let me know he is in distress. I watch him and gauge his willingness to eat or partake in his normal activities to see if I can tell it is time because yes the reality is this cancer will force me to call the end of the journey. Last night was not a good night, he has started with nosebleeds. I can feel the heavy hand of time pushing us towards nothingness. Time is the enemy and it is one that you just cant fight.