Sometimes news just sucks....

AP here:

First one of my favorite recent pictures of Tonka.

It is the classic Tonka look - eyes rolled up at me with that big nose in the air and his eyebrows raised. This is my son, my boy, my heart!

How can you not want to pat that head or kiss that nose? How can you not want to move heaven and earth to save him?

So this week he had an MRI and Tonka did really well. Dr. Klaser was prepared to do a rhinoscopy afterwards to biopsy whatever they found if it was accessible unfortunately that did not happen. What did happen is that an MRI that showed a very large, very nasty mass that has taken up his right nasal cavity and gone up and into the space above his palate. It is creeping into the left side and is pushing up through the bone out the top of his nose. That is the lump on the bridge of his nose. It also expends up and into the right eye orbit but at this time is not giving us any problems there. The only way to determine if it is cancerous is to biopsy it from outside - sort of a surgical punch if you will.  I will tell you that statistically the percentage of nasal tumors in dogs is extremely high (in the 80%) so in all likelihood that is what this is.

I needed to know what was going on- I do not necessarily need to know if it is cancer. The thing about nasal tumors in dogs is they SUCK. I have looked at the treatment options and they are all horrible without really great outcomes. Nothing would be a "cure" everything would just buy time (maybe). So we are going to go down the road (however short) it may be of palliative care. I am starting him on a powerful anti-inflammatory and a big dose of "do whatever makes him happy". The plan is to be pain free and happy until we cant be happy anymore. I have no timeline, not really any guesstimate of how much time there is left and if you read the research you will find anything from 3-7 months with just palliative care, no surgery, no radiation. I know everyone loves Tonka - its impossible not to and everyones first instinct is to "save" him- believe me it has always been mine. The reality is there is no "saving" this time. I am out of options - we can play the "what about" game endlessly but it is not going to change anything. I really don't have the energy or the emotional strength to run down the list with everyone so if I tell you we have no options please leave it at that.

I will never forgive myself for not pursuing an MRI in April when he first started having "allergy" symptoms I am not sure if anything could have been caught and dealt with at that time but I'll never know. I am sorry and that's all I can say about it - I will have to live with it for the rest of my days.


The MRI was read by Dr. Amy Tidwell DVM so there is no doubt as to the accuracy of the read as she is an expert in the field. The first sentence of the report starts with "There is a large destructive mall in the right nasal cavity and para-nasal sinuses with extension of mass..." That sentence will replay in my head forever.

I know Tonka is an anomaly and has beaten more than his fair share of odds but that's not going to happen this time. I suggest if you would like to say your goodbyes that you do it soon - but do not cry around him please. He and I do not need the added stress of dealing with negative emotions. I want this time to be happy for him, he has spent the past 5 years bringing happiness and smiles to people and so that is what needs to be returned to him. I have never known a happier, sweeter soul than my boy and I probably wont again....

Tumors and Things...

AP here:
It has been one month since Tonka's surgery and I have been fighting my own private war with the results of what they found. I want to thank Liam and Ollie's moms for stepping in and posting such awesome and heartfelt posts in my absence. Tonka and I truly have amazing friends!

On May 1st 2013 Tonka underwent exploratory surgery to remove what we thought was one small tumor off of his small intestine and to make sure there were no others. There were actually 3 one up top at the section known as the duodenum, one in the middle section called the jejunum and one at the end which is known as the ileum. The surgery went well and he recovered very nicely. In true Tonka style he already acts like it never happened and is back to his normal routines.

The tumors were sent to Colorado State University to pathology to determine what type they were. It took a week to get the report back and unfortunately the news was not good. All 3 were the same kind and all three were cancerous. I made an appointment with Dr. Peterson at AVIM and Oncology for the soonest available which was one more week out. In the meantime I took the pathology report and started doing research.

I did not like what I found.

During this week of waiting I kept things sort of quiet and tried to keep positive but in my heart I knew this was not going to be good.

On Thursday May 16th Tonka and I entered CVRC like we normally would and all his friends from the different specialties stopped to say hello to him in the lobby and feed him treats. He got a check-up from Dr. Roa who said he was looking great and I ran into Dr. Rosenthal (Tonka's heart Doctor) and we had a quick chat about the surgery and the findings. As usual everyone was great and his Aunt Gina was right there with us for moral support.

Love the Peeps

We met with Dr. Peterson and she started by explaining how the visit was going to progress and then set about asking questions on his medical history. She then examined him and once that was done she sat down and went over the pathology report with me. It was exactly what I feared. I wont go into all the little details as the only things that really matter is that they were "undifferentiated sarcomas" and "stage 3".  The bottom line is that with chemo we might get a year. We discussed the options available taking into account my boy's sensitivity to medications and how exactly we would work his visits in with his therapy days. The biggest point we covered was quality of life for Tonka and having him happy and able to live out his days normally (well Tonka normal). I am not real sure how much I actually retained from the appointment because even though I tried to keep it together inside I was breaking. I am sure that is why they give their patients a very comprehensive packet to take home that recaps everything they went over.

We left the room and immediately went out the door, part of me felt bad not saying goodbye to all his friends but I also needed to get outside and breathe. I have a hard rule about not being upset around Tonka and I came very close to breaking that rule once in the truck. The ride home was very long and surreal for me but for Tonka it was just another ride home in the truck from a morning of hanging out with people and getting some love and attention. That is the beautiful thing about the Tonka Man - everyday is a good day no matter what is going on as long as he has some love and some cookies. Nothing to get worried or upset about - its all good in his world, I really wish I could be more like him.

The chemo option I am choosing is a drug called Palladia and is given in pill form. It can be stopped pretty much immediately and side effects are mostly gastrointestinal. If this does not agree with him we will stop and continue on for how ever long we have.The goal here is the same one it has always been and that is for Tonka to have a happy and normal life like any other dog.

My heart is completely torn. I am so, so sad and so damn angry that I cannot fix him. He is my heart and I have done everything I possibly could to protect him and keep him healthy and happy but I am helpless with this. It is so unfair and so devastating that it has been impossible for me to talk about this except with a few people.

T and I started this blog to educate people on life with a blind dog and we hope that it has helped people see that dogs with disabilities can have a happy normal life. I am going to try to keep up with the blog and share our experience with the chemo in hopes that we can help others that are going through this. I can't guarantee that I will always find the time or the words to write as often as I should.

I do have 2 requests at this time.
#1 Do not be sad around Tonka - he will get upset if you are upset
#2 (and please don't take this the wrong way)
Do not talk to me about it unless I specifically bring it up - I am trying very hard to live by request #1 and believe me if you think its hard for you to not be upset it is a million times harder for me.